About a month after the events in Part 2 of the series, my sister and I joined the church-excited we had found somewhere to belong. Along the way, I’d noticed a few strange things, but every church has its quirks.

I was working full-time as a graduate research assistant, which often had me working past 5 pm when things had to get done. one Wednesday evening, I was rushing leaving work and had about 20 minutes from the time I was off until church started. I was wearing nice jeans, cowboy boots, and a belt buckle with my shirt tucked in (trying to look very Midwestern). I skipped right over dinner, having only gone to this church a couple of weeks, I was excited to be there. I went straight to church from work – where I was met with a few judgmental looks from older members of the church. One older lady, who I sat with, commented on my choice of attire. I told her I’d come straight from work to be there, not everyone was retired. I chalked it up to older people who were stuck in their ways. But as I looked around, all I saw were suits and skirts…

I missed playing my violin – luckily my new church let me play “Special” music, as well as offertory occasionally. It was so nice getting back into it – different from my home church in VA, but everyone complimented my music.

About 8 months went by. As a graduate student, I sometimes had to work on weekends. A couple of times I was scheduled to play my violin on a Sunday, I’d been in the lab not 30 minutes prior getting stuff done, only to go back to lab after church. On those days (since skirts are not allowed in science labs due to safety concerns), I would wear nice, dark jeans, heeled boots, and a nice blouse.

A week before I was scheduled to play the violin, the pastor came and sat beside me and my family before church started. He told me that the pianist had noticed that I’d worn jeans a couple of times while playing the violin, and that she wanted him to tell me I had to wear a skirt to play next week.

I nearly started to cry out of anger. I was only good enough if I wore a skirt? And the pianist wasn’t brave enough to come tell me in person?

I sent him a message after church (as I already knew that trying to have that debate at that moment would have only resulted in me crying and not thinking clearly). I explained why I wore jeans those few times, and that I still looked nice (it’s not like they were ripped or I was wearing graphic tees). He told me that it was a rule I had not been made aware of, but now that I was, I had to abide by it. That is fair enough. They can have whatever rules they deem necessary. I told him I would no longer be playing my violin. He said he understood.

A couple of weeks went by. The pianist wrote me a half-apology letter (you ever get one of those?) wherein she cited verses as to covering up and such. I will admit, that upset me even more. And I could have written her one back, using the Bible to argue against that. But I knew that would gain nothing.

I couldn’t believe that they were so quick to judge, based on how you dressed – and I never dressed for church sloppily. I thought I’d found a home – I missed my church in VA. I was upset and angry that they were so judgmental for no reason…but I think I was more hurt. In the moment, all I had was anger (which, I know, wasn’t very Christian of me), but I think it was just masking the hurt. I thought I’d found somewhere I’d belonged – with people who loved me no matter what. I was wrong.

My parents heard my opinions so much on this matter. They saw my tears, my anger, my hurt. They helped me craft responses that didn’t sound so befuddled. They told me that whatever decision I made, they would support me – just not to let my anger guide my decision. I went and told Matt all about it, now that we were dating – he took my side in the matter, but also acknowledged that he didn’t know why I was so upset by it.

How did no one understand why I was upset? The church was essentially saying because I wasn’t wearing a skirt, I wasn’t good enough for them or for God. It didn’t matter what was on the inside, as long as the outside was ok, you were good to go. That’s an unbiblical stance.

I did let my anger guide most of my decisions though. With the half-apology that I received and no one brave enough to talk to me about it in person, I stopped going to that church. I will still see members out and about to this day, and they don’t even acknowledge my presence. It’s sad – but I think I was just hurt.

I’d called my parents – called my pastor in Virginia – and told them all about this church. How they took my fishing my first day, how they accepted me right in, not making me feel like a stranger, how they were eager to hear me play after they found out I knew the violin, how people would come up to me and ask how my week was. I thought I’d found the place I belonged. And in that moment, my vision of what I’d had was shattered.

I shouldn’t have let my hurt disguise itself as anger, though. I should have handled the situation a whole lot better. I could have sat down and had a conversation with them, although, honestly, it would have had no positive outcome. I could’ve handled it better than a brief moment for my defense and then never going back. My parents, to this day, say I’m still angry about it. I’m not sure that I’m angry – still hurt when I think about it, and only slightly upset because it seemed no one in my life understood why I was at the time – but I have forgiven them for their lack of tact and upfront-ness about skirts being a rule. At the end of the day, though, their decision doesn’t affect me much anymore, as I have moved on (more to come in a later installment).

As I had multiple conversations with my parents, I should not have let my anger at their perceived slight of me be my guiding force. I should have handled the situation a bit better than I did.

If you missed the previous parts to this saga, you can find Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4 here!

As always, if you have any comments or questions, feel free to leave them below or contact me here – I love hearing from you!

If you do not know 100% that you will be going to Heaven when you die, now is the time to repent and put your faith and trust in Christ Jesus. If you have any questions or doubts about your salvation, click here to read how you can be saved.