Last month, Matt and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. You can read my thoughts on our first one here. Someone asked me about a month ago if I had any advice for someone getting married. I didn’t think I was experienced enough in marriage to be asked, so after my brief moment of panic, the first thing I said was “Space is good.” Probably not the best answer I could have come up with, so I decided to write this post, so that if I’m ever asked again, I’ll have already thought it out.

1. Space is good

Hear me out! When Matt and I were dating, I would always want to spend time with him – every evening, every weekend, every minute we could hang out, you’d better believe I’d be there. Now that we’re married, I’m realizing that you can’t make the other person the center of your life. You should still hang out and do things with your friends (or in my case, my sister. I really need to figure out how to make friends my age). It’s good to do things on your own – I volunteer for VBS, go to TJ Maxx with my sister, go hang out with my parents, and paddleboard with my sister. Matt does things with his friends and family too. Your separate interests make you who you are, and I’m not saying you should avoid spending time with your spouse. Obviously that’s a bad thing. But making time for things outside of your spouse is good for you. Even if your spouse is in one room of the house doing their thing and you’re in another room doing yours. Space is good.

2. Don’t go to bed angry

Spats happen, whether its related to the dishes, family, or something else. Ephesians 4:26 says: “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”

I’m lucky that I married Matt. When I’m upset, I need space. I’ll go somewhere and stew over it. Matt gives me space, but before we actually go to bed, he’s the one who will come to me and we’ll talk it out. Maybe we don’t solve the problem, but we agree to come up with potential solutions and we’ll talk about it later. Matt’s always the one to start the conversation so that we don’t go to bed angry with each other. Spats happen, and it’s normal – but you shouldn’t go to bed angry with each other. I’m not very good at this, although I know it should happen. Luckily my husband is usually the one who will make sure we don’t stay mad at each other. He also says its us vs. the problem, not us vs. each other.

3. Truth talking vs. truth listening

Did you watch the new Masters of the Universe movie? Adam at the beginning of the movie is working in HR and someone is complaining to him and he says: “I feel like what’s happening is there’s a lot of truth talking going on, but maybe what would be more constructive is, is a little bit of truth listening. Right?”

Fights happen (see point #2), but it’s important to remember to not automatically assume you know your spouse’s perspective. Whenever you are talking the issue out with your spouse, make sure to actually listen to their perspective. It doesn’t mean they’re right and you’re wrong. Often it comes down to a miscommunication or you’re both a little wrong. Make sure you’re both truth listening – it’s going to be far more constructive when you’re working out the problem.

4. Little things matter

It matters that you do the little things and that you notice the little things. If the dishwasher is unloaded, or you notice there are freshly picked flowers on the dinner table, or you found out your spouse defended you when incorrect judgments were made about you, or that they picked your favorite drink up from the gas station – make sure you notice the little things your spouse does and let them know you appreciate it. Do the little things for your spouse, too. Grab them a donut or put away their jacket for them. It can relate to their love language (or not), but the little things do matter, especially when life gets busy. Do the little things for them, and notice the little things they do for you (and tell them that you appreciate and notice what they do).

5. Make sure you involve God

In point 1, I explain that you can’t make your spouse the center of your world. Obviously, they come first in your life compared to any other relative, but the person who should be the center of your world is God. God’s not going to force His way into the marriage either, you have to take an active part in involving Him in your life. If you and your spouse both have God at the center of your life, spending time with Him whether together or individually, you’ll have a Christ-centered marriage. It doesn’t just happen if both spouses are saved, you both have to intentionally involve God in your life and marriage. One couple from my home church in Virginia, when Matt got to meet them for the first time last year (the gentleman has since passed), they made it very clear that God comes first in everything. Any issue we have as a couple, take it to God. Her faith still amazes me to this day, I’m not sure I’ll ever have her faith, but she inspires me to work on my faith. Maybe with this point comes a side tip: have people in your life that you look up to, whether for the strength in their marriage or the strength of their relationship with Christ.

These are the five things that I’ve learned over two years of being married. I’m sure I’ve learned more, but I’ll have to remember them for next year’s post! What advice do you have? What have you learned in your own marriage or watching someone else’s marriage?

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